Those Words given by A Father That Rescued Me as a First-Time Parent

"In my view I was just just surviving for the first year."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to handle the demands of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health problems during the birth saw his partner Louise being hospitalised. Suddenly he was pushed into acting as her primary caregiver in addition to taking care of their newborn son Leo.

"I handled all the nights, each diaper… every walk. The job of both parents," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a talk with his father, on a bench in the park, that helped him see he needed help.

The direct phrases "You're not in a healthy space. You need some help. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, ask for help and find a way back.

His situation is not uncommon, but rarely discussed. While society is now better used to addressing the stress on mothers and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the difficulties new fathers go through.

'It's not weak to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to communicate amongst men, who still absorb harmful perceptions of masculinity.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just gets smashed and stays upright time and again."

"It isn't a display of being weak to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist who studies mental health before and after childbirth, says men frequently refuse to admit they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not the right person to be requesting help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is just as important to the household.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the chance to take a pause - spending a few days overseas, away from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He realised he needed to make a change to pay attention to his and his partner's emotional states in addition to the day-to-day duties of looking after a new baby.

When he was honest with Louise, he discovered he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -physical connection and listening to her.

'Parenting yourself

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan perceives fatherhood.

He's now composing Leo letters each week about his feelings as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he grows up.

Ryan believes these will enable his son to more fully comprehend the expression of feelings and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "self-parenting" is something artist Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen was without stable male guidance. Despite having an "wonderful" bond with his dad, deep-held trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, complicating their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions led him to make "terrible actions" when he was younger to modify how he was feeling, seeking comfort in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he notes. "They might temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Tips for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Open up to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, speak to a family member, your spouse or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Maintain your passions - continue with the pursuits that helped you to feel like yourself before having a baby. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or gaming.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, staying active and when you can, sleep, all contribute in how your mental state is coping.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their stories, the challenges, and also the positive moments, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that seeking help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can care for your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen expectedly had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead offer the stability and nurturing he missed out on.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - managing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen explain they have become more balanced, healthier men because they faced their pain, changed how they talk, and learned to manage themselves for their kids.

"I'm better… processing things and dealing with things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I wrote, at times I feel like my role is to guide and direct you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are through this experience."