Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin seeing a potential partner, when the initial excitement dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that numerous gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often causing lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Is it best to continue to have spontaneous encounters and accept that a lasting partnership is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate different types of sexual unions as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you may find yourself less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a suitable route … or not. One day you might meet a person who provides a life-changing chance to you through mirroring your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you might decide that casual connections suit you best. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
